Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
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The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂