Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
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Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
not for long
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.