Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
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Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
No, I don’t think I will.
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.