My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
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My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
What flavor cupcake are these
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.