@TheAlexP: Whenever I hear "let me tell you the truth", I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say "brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want."
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@iGreenMonk: Once upon a time, a horse & a giraffe met & fell in love. Going against all the odds, they got married & that's how we have camels.
@audipenny: NOW HIRING: An employee JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you're applying for
@HughGoesThere: Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night. Her: I'm sure it was an impersonator. Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
@jonnysun: "it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?" yes i am. … "but i thougt u were gona say something unexp-- oh wow ur good"