@TheAlexP: Whenever I hear "let me tell you the truth", I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say "brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want."
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@dildointherough: Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
@fro_vo: TEACHER: do you know what estimate means STUDENT: not exactly TEACHER: yes you are right STUDENT: about what TEACHER: also correct STUDENT: …i guess TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
@dysondoc: Trump: "I'm going to make sure we let in less immigrants." Pence: "Fewer!" Trump: "Shhh, don't call me that yet."
@Illiter8: What possible bit about trying to buy a large number of ice cream containers and two boxes of tampons says I want to chat you up, douchebag?