Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
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Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
North and South
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.