@GloriaFallon123: Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
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@That_Damn_Duck: My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
@TheToddWilliams: [Whole Foods] ME: Hi CLERK: Hello ME: Do you...uh CLERK: Do we what? ME: Do you have any...uh CLERK: Go on ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
@Cheeseboy22: Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
@FatherWithTwins: I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.