Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
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I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
Yup….perfect score!
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.