“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
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These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
Breaking news:
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?