@SteveMartinToGo: Whenever I hear someone died of natural causes, I think, "Wait a minute. I have that."
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@eeethanford: *Stubs cigarette out in palm to look tough* *waits till everyone leaves* *takes out cell phone* Hello 911? Please send all your ambulances
@shutupmikeginn: I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I'm doing well and he's 17 which is very old for a dog
@Cheeseboy22: Just started a new diet where I order Wendy's salad and then eat all my kids' fries.
@rachelle_mandik: CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb MOM: no it's goodnight moon, honey ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d