Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
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“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
Don’t talk down to me
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.