Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
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Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
Discuss
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
Two types of dogs.
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*