My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
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It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.