@AddTequila: Whenever I meet a girl with tattoos, I get excited. Because I know she's legal and willing to do stuff she may regret.
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@SirEviscerate: *re-dials* Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
@freypalm: College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night. Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
@DanAmira: [me all weekend] AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT [Mueller on Monday] We're charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
@Reverend_Scott: [1st day as police officer] PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET'S ROLL! ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.