@AddTequila: Whenever I meet a girl with tattoos, I get excited. Because I know she's legal and willing to do stuff she may regret.
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@Mr_Kapowski: Is my iPhone named Freedom? Yes Do I never pick up phone calls on it? Also yes, because as an American, I let freedom ring
@Brampersandon_: [Me]: *slams fork & knife down on table* Not cool, babe. [Wife]: You didn't honestly think there'd be weed in your pot pie, did you?
@click4amanda: War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I'm busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.