I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
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Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car