Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
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Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
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If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”