Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
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My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
😂 amazing answer
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.