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@internetluke: Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don't say a word. Momma's gonna buy you a mocking bird Mom: like hell I'll buy that kid anything..
@sexorpizza: Friend: Hey guess what? Me: What? Friend: No, guess! Me: I don't need this friendship that bad.
@Vodkantots: [to other patients in psychiatrist's waiting room] I'm not like you people. This is court mandated.
@LackOfShame: I'm no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you're pulling your tampons out way too fast.