day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
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A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
kitchen magnet