Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
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[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
Look at this
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
Great game to play with friends
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.