Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
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I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
forgive me baja for i have blast
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
this post was so formative to me
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.