Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
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Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.