@Jenny4ashley: Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I'm like HOLY CRAP I'M OUTSIDE.
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@HowToBeADad: Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
@JB4Realz: WIFE: What the...? ME: I'm teaching him to play piano. W: You idiot! M *covering chicken's ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
@TheDeadfishSays: "Everything the light touches is ours," I tell my son while opening the fridge.
@QuiteQuietOne: I just peed in my bath. But don't worry, I won't drink the water. - 4 year old logic