Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
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DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually