@Jenny4ashley: Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I'm like HOLY CRAP I'M OUTSIDE.
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@ericsshadow: What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
@iwearaonesie: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
@GoodnightSanity: My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn't want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
@DaddyJew: My first day as a cat burglar, Victim: you know you don't actually have to dress up like a cat when you do this Me: *hisses