@ilovepie84: Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy "You're Wife Sarah says hello".
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@ch000ch: cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
@ComedicBust: My girlfriend's furious that I bought her The Golden Girls box set for her birthday, but I knew she'd get over it since she's not real.
@NourHadidi: "Sleep is for the dead". Yeah cos you look so alive when you're yawning. #stupidsayings
@KevinFarzad: According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that's why it's so tragically hard to meet