Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
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When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
At an art museum and I thought this was art
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!