Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
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Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
And bowling should be called pinball
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers