@TheAlexP: Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
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@markleggett: My hairdresser told me that his marriage is crumbling. So, here’s my business idea: A hair salon where they don’t tell me shit like that.
@Mr_Kapowski: Wife: Where are you going? Me: I'm wearing my robe and boxer briefs so obviously I'm off to fight crime
@megbada: I absolutely recommend falling in love with your twitter crush and traveling about 3612 miles to boink them.
@runolgarun: "Sorry, I fail to see how I 'misled' you when my profile CLEARLY says I'm 'a total cat person'?" - half-cat/half-person being after bad date