Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
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My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself