Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
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Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.