100% of divorces begin with marriage.
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The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
Lunatics are gonna loon.
That eye roll….
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!