Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
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therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
need him
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
I have a new favorite meme page
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible