Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
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[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
Does it…does it take 3 days
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”