Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
You Might Also Like
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?