@DamienFahey: Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor's garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
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@krissywillbretz: Since I'm wearing a white top, I'm going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
@ImSoFrancis: BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
@fro_vo: [on a speed date] (okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie) “so, what do you like best in a woman?” BRAAAIIINNNSS
@amhw: Coffee: Because when you're groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.