Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
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dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
New favorite tiktok
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper