Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
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*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
Cha-ching is my safe word
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
Raisins are grape jerky.
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards