Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
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You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
No, YOUR illiterate.
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica