whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
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[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours