@PanicRestroom: Whenever I see someone posting a picture with a celebrity, I comment: "Who's that next to you?"
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@awkwardphilippe: [Pizza falls on the ground] Hold HOLD! -Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it's been a full five seconds.
@JermHimselfish: My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
@BobScottCPA: But people, if you have a gift card that is all used up, do not drop it in a urinal please—it's a Big letdown to fish it out all for nothing