@PanicRestroom: Whenever I see someone posting a picture with a celebrity, I comment: "Who's that next to you?"
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@Brianhopecomedy: My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it's too snowy to drive. SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
@Reverend_Scott: And then God said, "Let there be Black Friday." and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
@o__0Dev: Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
@jumpdashark: My tombstone will read: If You Don't Know Me By Now, You Will Never Ever Ever Know Me.