ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
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Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
Me too door. Me too.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.