I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
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Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
Acronyms got me like WTF?
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?