Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
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i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.