@ilovepie84: Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
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@joejwest: PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions? ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow? PILOT: Yes it's how most of you will die. Next?
@KalvinMacleod: WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently? ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
@markleggett: MAJOR TOM: Tell my wife I love her very much… GROUND CONTROL: She knows. MAJOR TOM: Wait… Is she with you now? GROUND CONTROL: Bye, Tom.