Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
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I’m not alone. I have ants.
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
Today’s Times
Name another movie that mislead you?
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
it was love at first sight
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.