Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
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Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.