Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
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If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
Liquor Store Parking
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
Oh hi lol
Oops I deleted….
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
man i love columbo
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.