@KentWGraham: Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
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@KKAlThani: Happy International Women's day. Or a sad one. Or an angry one. Or a passive aggressive one. You never really know with women.
@SkunkFarts: Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I'm stalking her I can tell the cops she's a hooker.
@JennyPentland: I'm teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there's no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
@hippieswordfish: hey, a mime! *mime starts having heart attack* hes pretending to die lol *mime collapses* *hours later still watching his body* wow hes good