If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
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[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
The cake is mightier than the sword.
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”