Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
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*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients