Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
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Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT