@ARealTinderella: Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
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@trojansauce: [after i confess to murder] COP: sarge? you gotta see this [shows interrogation video and sees my fingers crossed the whole time]
@McNevich: Sometimes I'll flush a few slices of pizza down the toilet just to let the Ninja Turtles know I miss them
@ThisOneSayz: Me: what big eyes you have! Me: what big nose you have! Me: what big teeth you have! Dog: you're drunk again, aren't you?