Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
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if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers