@sbellelauren: whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i'm doing god's work
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@LoneWolfStories: Sometimes I like to surprise my neighbours by smiling and waving back at them.
@FattMernandez: A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he's being vewy vewy quiet.
@JessObsess: I tell people I'm narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they're talking to me I don't seem rude.
@JohnLyonTweets: Don't regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today. Disregard this if you are in prison.