@sbellelauren: whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i'm doing god's work
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@Dawn_M_: If that cute guy doesn't approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you're eating.
@panmidwest: [Therapist's Waiting Room] ME: you're gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren't you WIFE: yup ME: I knew it!
@BarebakAssassin: After you're done looking for true love on Twitter, you should go ride a unicorn around Atlantis, then eat some heart-healthy ice cream.
@sageboggs: My family doesn't have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you