whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
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it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
Your secret is safeish with me
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or