Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
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Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
Zack Greinke stories are the best
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food