@junkyardigan: Whenever I utter the word 'sober' I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
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@KyleMcDowell86: [cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car] [I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
@SlayerSays: You can't make blanket statements & expect people to take you seriously, but since I hate clowns I'm pretty sure everyone else does too.
@david8hughes: [fancy restaurant] Me: do you have orange cat food? Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
@dongfuture: *stops walking* Wait, I think there’s a stone in my shoe *takes off shoe, shakes it upside down* *Mick Jagger hits the ground with a thud*