Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
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“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
The news is so predictable nowadays
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
Whoa 😂
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.